WEEK SIX | NAUSEA BEGINS

It's been loads of fun feeling nauseous and throwing up before heading to weddings for work. I'm hoping it won't get worse, it's manageable nausea at the moment coupled with quite a lot of dizziness and light-headedness too. It's tended to be mid-late morning and lunchtime and then I feel a lot better later on in the day. A few things are starting to taste a little bit funny and some foods and drinks I usually like are turning my stomach a little. I remember feeling this way when pregnant with Vivienne but the sickness was never as bad as what I hear some people have to suffer with - hopefully it'll be the same this time.

In more positive news I decided to invest in this amazing cocktail-covered shirt (above) to make me feel slightly better about missing cocktails and beer gardens this year. I've been in Italy this week shooting a wedding with my friend Hannah. It was just beautiful and lots of fun but also completely exhausting - I'm enjoying being back home now and doing the normal things as well as catching up with work.

I have my booking appointment next week so hoping to get on the list for a scan then too. Not sure what to expect really but looking forward to any extra information as I still have zero memory of all of these appointments the first time round..

David is still absolutely desperate to tell people. There are hanging hearts in my in law's house with each of their grand childrens' names on; our nephew said to David's Mum, Mary, last week, "we'll have to get another one because Auntie Sally is going to have a baby girl", which is very bizarre. We still plan to tell Vivienne first so no-one else can know until then. There may be a few white lies along the way..

To counter David's eagerness.. I have absolutely zero desire to tell anyone. In a way it kind of feels a bit... embarrassing? Not in the sense of being ashamed, but more wanting to shy away and not have to deal with reactions and being the centre of attention. I don't want to have to feel like a parrot repeating how I'm feeling/how far along I am/whether I think it's a boy or girl/which names I like... At the moment I feel quite content being in my own little bubble and quietly growing this little thing. I may feel differently after the scan, who knows?

WEEK FIVE | PRE-BOOKING APPOINTMENT

After returning home and having ALL the cuddles with D'n'V, I rang the midwives phone line to get booked in for whatever comes next.. Like I said before, I seriously remember nothing about these next steps from last time and what I need to do and where I need to be. I was told to attend a 'pre booking appointment' the same day which was a group chat followed by going in individually to have BMI, blood pressure, height and check my smoker status (everything was tickety-boo).

At the meeting the midwife discussed what foods to avoid and generally pointed out a few things to help everything run smoothly. We were also given information about the screening tests throughout pregnancy for various things and were given a leaflet called 'Important information about feeing your baby'. I intend to initially mix feed and then bottle feed - I had a terrible experience breastfeeding last time and the balance of David being able to help so I can get back to work and feel a little more normal really worked for us last time - and was disappointed to see there was zero mention or advice on bottle feeding at all. Just a lot of information about why 'Breast is Best'. I left the leaflet there, feeling quite sure all that will come up again at some point. My choice is informed and from experience and I don't need any pressure at this point, thanks.

The next step is seeing my appointed midwife at the children's centre at Vivienne's school on 16th June, after I get back from being away and things calm down a bit, to get 'booked in' (I assume this is my 12 week scan?) and to go through a few things. I have my notes now and in the meantime need to decide upon which hospital I'd like to sign up to, as we are in the catchment area for two.

In myself I'm feeling slightly more tired than usual - yesterday I was struggling past half 9.. but perhaps it's a mixture of mild jet lag and getting back into the gym after being away last week. I read a few pages of a pregnancy book last night and came away feeling a little more overwhelmed and worry about what I've let myself in for started to brew in my stomach. David was lovely and reassured me that we will plan as much as possible and that he's there too, and can try and be flexible with work so we can really tackle the transition as well as possible. David is also finding it funny to comment that I'm 'showing' already but doubt he'll continue much longer given the death stares I'm giving him.

It feels like a balance of taking care of myself as much as possible, staying calm and keeping the faith that the difficult parts will pass and are transient.. I'm also really looking forward to seeing my friend and fellow wedding photographer next week, Hannah, as I'm hoping to confide in her before picking her brain about working while heavily pregnant and her experiences of going back to work afterwards too. 

Curries, photographs and missing Vivienne

This very important little person is going to be a big sister next year and doesn't yet know it...

I've been missing Vivienne this week (and Dav too, for the record), and the times when I'm around wifi and can chat to her seem to be fleeting and our time zone differences aren't quite syncing up. This week we're working with children's clothing all week, and I can't help but look down at the pieces and wonder how a poppy seed sized thing can turn into a little person who would fit into these items..

I feel like David is itching to tell people, and in ways I can't wait to get back home so we can chat about everything more (yes, I know.. there's not that much to discuss and sort at this point..). We both can't wait to tell Vivienne. I keep wondering what she'll be like around a little one, whether she'll find it difficult, whether she'll understand that things will be changing forever and that our current routines and habits won't be the same..

She'll be 7 and a half, and for the past few years has endlessly told us that if she had a brother or sister she'd help out a lot and get wipes and nappies when required, help feed them, let them have her toys.. 

We both really can't wait to tell her.. I wonder whether she'll be demonstratively ecstatic, overwhelmed, emotional or just a mixture of all three..

CAN'T. WAIT.

WEEK FOUR | FIRST TRIMESTER

SO. Week four. Sitting in Heathrow Airport killing time because it appears I've turned into an organised and far-too-early person these days. Feeling mildly anxious about heading to India..  worried about camera kit being lost or stolen.. getting a bad stomach.. flights and things being delayed and disrupted.. and worrying most about becoming ill and something going terribly wrong while I'm out there. I can't think of somewhere more strange to go through something scary and need medical intervention. I'm still feeling like I can't quite believe there's a tiny little something in there. Apparently it's the size of a poppy seed.. about the size of a full stop. Tiny but huge.

Yesterday I headed to see my GP to ask for any last minute tips or advice about travelling to India while pregnant (even though it's such early days). The probiotics I'd been advised to take are safe, as are all the meds I'd bought for an upset stomach. I had bought enough antihistamine to protect myself prophylactically and as boosters if required and was told not to touch them unless 'the benefit hugely outweighs the risk'. I left them at home. Antihistamine cream is apparently fine though so I grabbed some of that.

My GP asked if I was taking Folic Acid, and I told her I have and had been before as we'd been taking conception support supplements - I explained this was a planned pregnancy. She wished me congratulations and it felt amazing. I think she assumed it was my first.. I can't remember so much from the first time so in ways it feels like it is. Certainly the first time I've felt more prepared for whats to come. A few things already have made me aware of just how different it is being pregnant this time, even at such an early point. So far (subject to change obviously..) I feel like we are in control. We are relaxed and excited rather than having feeling lost and terrified. It's really... nice.

David keeps saying he is desperate to tell people, and that he feels more excited than he anticipated. We are both keen to tell Vivienne but both still want to wait until the first scan and know that everything's OK. We can't wait to see her reaction when we show her a picture.. It's lovely to have something special and sacred for us to be quietly excited about at the moment. I also feel quite relieved not to have to deal with being the centre of attention at the point we 'tell' yet, and not have to deal with so many questions from all angles about my well being/what gender we hope for/names/birth/yadda yadda yadda..

Names we quite like at the moment are: Ingrid for a girl. Feeling quite attached to this already. I also like Arlo and Ezra for a boy.. David isn't keen. We both had a geeky excited moment over the name Ned/Ed but we realised our love for Game of Thrones may not be the best source of inspiration we can come up with. We're also pretty tempted, if it's a boy, to call it John then call him by his middle name - which sounds like a bizarre idea but one which has been used by David's Dad, and brother my Grandpa and also our best man Jack. A strange tradition to carry on but why not, eh?

I know it's too early to have symptoms as such as it's such early days but I've had a few mild twinges in my abdomen, my boobs are feeling heavy and tender and I'm so dehydrated that I'm going through a good few litres of water a day, which surely can't be a bad thing.

I'll probably look back on this at some point and be irked by my upbeat self.. but so far I'm (dare I say it..) actually enjoying it?!

WEEK THREE | THE DAY WE FOUND OUT

13th May 2016. Today we 'found out'. I was dozing on the bed while David was getting ready for work, dreaming I had just taken a test and was waiting to see the result. Convincing myself in my half asleep state of both outcomes.. Feeling confused and stressed. 

This point would be the best time that it could happen with work and various other things.. We'd given ourselves a very optimistic three month window when we could try this year. I told David I wanted to take a test, convinced that it hadn't happened for us this month and feeling a little sorry for myself.. But I had a test in the drawer which could tell us either way. It turned out to be positive...

We looked at each other quietly with disbelief saying "No way...". Vivienne was watching tv before school downstairs. I cried. David had a huge smile on his face. It didn't seem real and I kept staring at the test which said "Pregnant 1-2 weeks".

We had decided weeks ago that we would keep it to ourselves, just the two of us, until a first scan around 12 weeks. With Vivienne our pregnancy was unexpected, therefore chaotic with fear and panic. We said if it happened again we really wanted to 'own' this experience more and feel more in control. Dav went to work and I went downstairs to prep for work and finish getting Vivienne ready for school. Driving up to a wedding in Newcastle these were the thoughts and feelings swimming around my head:

- Actual excitement. Lots of it. And marvelling that it happened in such a small window and at the right time.
- Mild guilt that others find hard to become and stay pregnant.. Twinned with feeling incredibly lucky and grateful.
- Dates swimming around my head - when will I be due, how pregnant will I be at X, Y and Z this year.. Can we still go to Copenhagen at the end of the year..?
- Joyed that Vivienne will have a sibling.
- Huge excitement at telling Vivienne.
- Worried and nervous about telling family after it was so difficult last time. 
- Slight disappointment that I can't have all the wine when we go out for tea tomorrow night.
- Wondering how to successfully hide it at Glastonbury.
- Worrying about travelling and exhaustion when away on trips this year.
- Wishing Grandpa was here.
- Wondering if we'll have sisters or one of each.
- Relief that this time I don't feel terrified and it feels ok to find out.
- Feeling funny that Vivienne thought I was pregnant a week or so ago and kept hugging my tummy.
- Worry that something will happen or go wrong.. Coupled with not wanting to get my hopes up until we've confirmed everything's OK.
- Concern that I might not be able to do all the same classes that I love at the gym over the coming months.
- Worry about working hard and feeling shattered.
- Worry about being ill/sick for work and letting anyone down.
- Excitement about seeing David as a dad again.
- Trying to tot up how much rebuying so much baby kit will cost...
- Am I enough to be Mum to two?